A broken heart

Today I had the privelege of sharing a couple hours with a new friend. We've known eachother for a while, but not much beyond, "Hi!" as we're rushing to drop our kids off at school. I was so blessed today as she opened her heart up and, unbeknownced to her, she taught me so much in such a short amount of time.

She's a sweet young mom of three young boys, the youngest of which spent our entire two hours together licking cream cheese out of the little plastic container, melting every heart within eye sight! One of her boys is in kindergarten, and the other is dancing the streets of gold hand-in-hand with our Savior. He died when he was 5 years old, just a few years ago.

Can I first just say that I don't think I could ever survive losing one of my children? But after today's conversation, I stand in awe at how God sustains us. My new friend told me a lot about the loss of her son and how she responded to it (tears and snot everywhere on my part, but she looked gorgeous even through tears!). She was full of grace; strength radiated from her; she spoke many times of "my husband and I...". God's hand was evident in everything she shared, whether is was her individual pain, the strength of her marriage in the midst of these horrendous circumstances, or releasing fear for the safety of her other 2 boys.

The Bible says in Psalm 73:26, "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Dear sisters in Christ, is that true in your life? I can say with certainty that I could trust God to carry me through sickness, poverty, and rough times, but would I weep in His arms and lean fully into Him if He chose to take one of my children? Be real with me for a moment and really search your heart. I'm ashamed to share with you that I don't know that I could do that!

I asked my sweet friend, "How have you even been able to continue living? How hard is it just to get up in the morning and keep going?" She paused, lip quivering, and said, "Because of God! His strength, knowing He is in control and that I am not, and knowing that my son is in heaven with Him! How could I ever take the opportunity for my son to be in Heaven, never knowing the pains and trials of earth, away from him?" She is the manifestation of Psalm 73:26, truly making God the strength of her heart and her portion for this time of such pain and brokenness.

This isn't to say that she doesn't have tough days. She was real and transparent enough with me to share that she has sad days and mad days, calling God every name in the book. But I think we can all relate to our heavenly Father when we hold our children tight even when they are screaming angrily at us. He's infinately more loving than we are, and even when we lash out at Him, He continues to hold us, running His holy fingers through our hair and whispering, "I know you're hurting, my child. I know your heart is broken and I am so sorry. I love you so much, even though you are angry."

So my take-away from today's experience is to truly make Him my strength, relying on Him for my validation, my satisfaction, my healing. My heart absolutely breaks for my sweet friend, and I pray fervently that I will never be in her shoes, but I stand amazed at how God has held her up, protected her marriage, surrounded her with a loving church family and support system, and made her a phenomenal mother. Please, if you don't know the same loving and compassionate God that works everyday miracles, make Him your strength and your portion today! Even if you never experience the tragedy of losing your child, His great love makes even spilled milk easier to bear. My love to you all!

In Christ,

Gwenny

What's in your mouth?

Please read below, preparing yourself first by crossing your legs extra tights so you don't pee a little bit when you laugh. This is a hysterical account written by my sister-in-law, Alyssa, and I couldn't help but share it. The only thing you need to know is that Diesel is a lanky doberman pinscher and they live here in Illinois...nowhere near Minneapolis.

Everyday at lunch, when Diesel gets let outside, he instantly starts running all over, about 72 mph, passing briefly through Minneapolis. However, today was different, running about half the speed as normal, only because the polar bear in him was insistent that he consume half of the snow on the ground (white, or otherwise). When it was time to come inside to inhale his lunch, I opened the storm door, which lets out a nice squeak that makes your teeth hurt. That squeak is the equivalent to the gunshot at the start of an Olympic race, and Diesel starts sprinting. Now being a puppy, he still doesn't have the best coordination, well, about the skills of celery when it comes to walking with wet paws on slick surfaces. Diesel was sprinting 72 mph, completely leaping over all 3 steps at the back door, and landed in the kitchen. Luckily, today was trash day because he took out the trash can and still unable to stop before he hits the cabinet. Nose first, folding up like an accordion. While I was crying from laughing so hard, Diesel attempted to get up, sneezing 13 times. Each time he put one foot up, it would slide out from under him, resulting in yet another chin bump. When he finally was able to stand back up, he immediately went to his pillow, and layed down and let out a big sigh. Relieved he is finally done with taking blows to his poor little noggin!

So why would I share this with you other than a good laugh? Well, I'd like to share with you a little bit about Alyssa.

She's just a hair over 5 feet tall and is so skinny she probably has to run around in the shower just to get wet. But the best thing about her is that she never, NEVER speaks an ill word. About anyone. Even when they have rightfully earned a sour reputation.

The Bible tells us in James 3:9-10, "With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be."

That verse says that we use the same tongue to praise God, but then we turn around and use it again to share a "prayer request". You know exactly what I'm talking about; the kind of prayer request that starts with, "Well, bless so-and-so's heart, but she..." and then we gossip up a storm, pretending all the while to be doing God's holy work. Please don't think for a moment I'm judging you; rather, I'm in a confessional here.

Would you join me in committing to working on how you use your tongue? Ephesians 4:29 tells us to use our tongues to build others up, so let's encourage others, brag on them behind their backs, and point out the good things they're doing instead of criticizing their every action or constantly whining on Facebook. Let's all be like Alyssa, or better yet, like Jesus and be known for our pleasant speech!

Love you all!

In Christ,

Gwenny

Life lessons: $6

I just have to start this off by telling you that I ran upstairs to grab my Bible to work on this blog post and Eli said, "Oh Mommy! You read da Bible?" "Yep, I sure am!" I told him. His little eyes sparkled as he said "I want to read the Bible with us!" It was so sweet.

Yesterday I headed to Walmart to grab some thread and as we were walking in I saw a dog with a coat on; it's was pretty impressive, actually! The owner had cut the arms off a people coat and tied the excess fabric on the dog's back up with a hair tie. The dog was pad locked to a ginormous backpack and it was obvious he was a part of a homeless family. The Holy Spirit spoke to me in that moment so vividly that it rocked me to the core. I was now on a mission to strategically scour the whole store to find the dog's owners and help him/her out. Who cares about royal blue thread in a moment like this?

So I put the kids in the cart and took a loop through the store (swinging by the food section to get some peanut butter crackers- good for humans and coat-clad dogs alike!). I had been through the whole store and couldn't find them. "Lord," I prayed, "I don't know how I'll find these people, but I know You want me to help them, so I need you to help me find them!" I was now at the fabric dept, so I grabbed the silly thread and headed to the checkout so that I could pay for the crackers and at least leave them outside with the dog. As I was headed toward the front of the store, I passed a man and woman who were occupied looking at something. I screeched to a halt, whipped around and words flew out of my mouth without my sending them, "Is that your dog out front?"

They looked at me with a puzzled look and said, "Yeah, she's ours." I then explained that I wanted to help them and asked what they needed. They were $10 short to purchase a much needed backpack, so I gave them all the cash out of my wallet (which amounted to a whopping $6). We all walked together to the backpack section, where we began to get to know one another. Andrew and Ashley are from California but couldn't find work. Ashley's dad lives in South Carolina and told them that if they could get there, he would help them find work. So over the holidays they hitch hiked all the way from one coast to another, but upon arrival, her dad told them he didn't have work for them and they needed to go back to Cali.

Here they are in Edwardsville, Illinois, hungry and out of options. I asked if I could pray with them and they said yes! We prayed, talked a little more, and then I told them I needed to get going but that I would buy the crackers and leave them outside with the dog. I checked out, glad to have met two sweet new friends, and left the bag of snacks with "Sugar" the pit bull mutt. A mail carrier was out there waiting for Andrew and Ashley. Somehow, she had seen the dog and felt compelled to help, too! So I chatted with her for a few minutes and decided to wait with her for Andrew and Ashley to come out so I could see them one last time. When they came out, the mail lady talked to them for a couple minutes, never judging them for being in such a rough situation. I was amazed at how instantly she connected with them and then handed over a generous wad of cash. They literally leapt with excitement and said they could now buy the backpack so they didn't have to carry so many things in their arms.

We said our goodbyes and I headed to the van. Eli said, "Mommy, can I eat some of dose cheese crackers?" I tried to explain that we gave the crackers to our new friends Andrew, Ashley, and Sugar, but all I could do was cry. You see, God didn't bring me to Walmart at exactly the right time so that I could help Andrew, Ashley, and Sugar; rather, God sent me to Walmart at exactly the right time so that THEY could help ME! Through them, God taught me to "obey, right away" (like I tell Eli 100 times a day!). I learned that God has given my family and me SO much! Food, a beautiful home, two amazing children, a husband that provides an incredible life for us, two...count them, TWO working vehicles, and the list could go on for days! And through the mail lady, God taught me to love others with reckless abandon, always leaving judgment behind in a pile of dust. (James 2:13, Mercy triumphs over judgment!)

The Bible tells us in James 1:27 that "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." Andrew and Ashley may not have been orphans, but they were two people in need. And $6, a pack of cheesy peanut butter crackers, and 15 minutes of my day is of no value unless I use it as He leads.

My challenge to you is this: Who is your Andrew/Ashley and what is God calling you to do? Are your eyes open and willing to see those that God wants you to help? And finally, do you realize what an amazing life you and I live? God has been good to us. GREAT to us! I pray that I can somehow teach my children to be thankful to our gracious God, and to be just a gracious to others. Thank you, dear friends, letting my share with you my humbling Walmart life lesson!

In Christ,

Gwenny

Long time, no blog!

Hey friends and family! I haven't blogged in SO long and since both babies are napping (LOVE coordinated naps!), I thought I'd share a bit of what's on my heart.

As most of you know, we experienced a couple plagues, or so it seemed, here on the Lawson homefront recently. We all 4 caught a virus that had us coughing and snotting all through the week of Christmas and then I had the kidney stone and ovarian cyst. Well, the doctor was kind enough to give me some great medicine for the pain, but last night my body refused to sleep because I had stopped taking the medicine (that, and I think I slept 75% of the last week, so I was all "slept-out").

I went in and watched Eli and Emmanuel sleep. Eli is almost THREE! How did that happen? And why does he sometimes hug me, love me, say sweet things to baby Emmanuel and then turn around and throw a tantrum over a lost Woody and Buzz Buzz? But as he lay sleeping, God reminded me that my children are not mine. They are HIS, on loan to me for a short time. I've been tasked with bringing these two sweet babies up as He wants me to. And I gasped as I took a moment to evaluate how I'm doing.

Most of my days are filled with doing. Sewing for clients, washing dishes, cooking meals, picking up toys. How often do I stop and sit down to just stare at my beautiful kids? Rarely, and even then only for a split second. How often do I say, "Not right now, Mommy's busy!" At least 100 times a day. When was the last time I spent intentional time teaching Eli something? Too long ago to remember.

So, change is coming to the Lawson ranch! Teaching Eli how to write letters is more important than the dried up shredded cheese on the kitchen floor (a mouse will probably come eat it if I leave it long enough, anyway). Bundling the kids up and going outside is far more beneficial than getting the dishes done (or worse yet, wasting time on Facebook). But, I need to remember it's a balance. Jesus was the King of balance. He spent time with his disciples, with the lost, and with the hurting, but He also took time to rest and to pray. He met the needs around Him, He invested in those whom were willing to listen, and He spent time with the Father.

I'm not sure I'll ever master life as a stay-at-the-crazy-house-mom. But for now, with a renewed spirit in tow, I'll keep the priorities He has set for me and make sure my actions reflect that. Nope, this isn't a new year's resolution. It's an "I'm tired of living like this" plan for change.

Excuse me while I go creep on my sleeping kids. :)

Gwenny

Update on Baby #2

Hi friends! Our little baby has been growing for nearly 22 weeks now and I saw the OB today and got a good report. Her heart was thumping along at a steady 140 beats per minute and she's growing like a weed (which happens to be just the right pace!).

As you all might remember, the last several weeks of pregnancy with Eli were very difficult for me; I started going to the hospital with contractions every two minutes at 34 weeks and eventually quit going because the nurses and doctors weren't able to help me much. At 39 weeks, I had a cesarean section because Eli was breech, and during the surgery the doctor discovered that I have an extremely rare uterine anomoly that was causing all of the problems (I only have the right half of my uterus, so in essence, Eli only had half the room he needed). My new OB, Dr. Chad Caudill, has been wonderful to work with and he's been giving me great care. Today we discussed the plan for how to approach the second half of the pregnancy. For now, we wait.

On Thursday, June 17, I'll have another sonogram to determine how big she is, her position, and to look for any indications of early labor. If she is head down, Dr. Caudill suspects that I will go into labor very early and would have the option of having her naturally at my own pace or having another c-section at that time. If she's got her head in my right lung like Eli did, Dr. Caudill will do an amniocentesis (a sample of the amniotic fluid) to determine if the baby's lungs are mature and will schedule a c-section for as late as possible, which will be dictated by the amount of contractions and how I am doing.

God continues to amaze us with His protection and provision for this baby and we are daily thankful for His goodness. If you think of it, please pray that contractions will hold off until her lungs are developed and that she will be as healthy as an ox (however, don't pray that she'll be as BIG as an ox!). Thank you to all of you who bless us with your kind words, your prayer, and helping us out in the many ways that you all do!

In Christ,

Enormous Gwenny<><

What if Dave Ramsey was President?

I'm a self-diagnosed CNN and Fox News addict and when I'm not sewing up a storm, I find myself shaking me head in disbelief at the news that our government continues to raise the debt ceiling, hand out money to overpaid CEO's like it's toilet paper, and spend money in new areas that would better be left unspent. I'm also an avid Dave Ramsey fan and took his Financial Peace University last year, which revolutionized the way the Lawson household handles money. Yes, that's right, we're on the I envelope system!

It's simple, really. Each month when Tim gets paid, he goes to the bank and deposits the exact amount needed to pay the online bills, makes a deposit into our savings account and emergency fund, and takes the rest in cash; he brings it home and puts it in our envelopes. There's one for groceries, one for gas and car related expenses, one for entertainment (which includes going out to eat, shopping, etc), one for general "stuff" (most of which goes to WalMart), and so on.

So, I began to wonder today when I heard the most recent estimated cost of government-run healthcare what America would be like if Dave Ramsey was President. I have a feeling that the first thing he'd do is "SELL THE CAR!" A good chunk, if not all, of the presidential motorcade would be auctioned off, Air Force One and the rest of the fleet would be put on Ebay, and the produce from the White House garden would be at the D.C. Farmer's Market. It's not a new or rocket science concept, but Dave Ramsey brilliantly advises people in debt past the ceiling to sell as much as they can to attack the debt that is so consuming them. Then, he shows them how to spend LESS than what they bring in so that there is enough left over to pay off debt and start saving.

As I bring myself back to reality where Dave Ramsey is only a financial expert and not the Commander-in-Chief, I pray that someone somewhere can start a revolution in government so we can get a grip on the enormous burden that is being crafted on the shoulders of our children.

Marriage

Tonight I'd love to share with you a little bit about our marriage- but I don't quite know where to begin! This past week (the one year anniversary of Pastor Fred's death) has reminded me to hold close the ones I love dearly- particularly Tim and Eli.

Tim and I went on our first date on May 25, 2005 when he was a summer intern at FBCM and I was at McKendree University; we had ice cream at Dr. Jazz and then Tim dropped me off at my apartment (I didn't sleep at all that night because of all the giggly butterflies in my tummy!). He proposed on December 16, 2005 and we were married just eight months later on August 5, 2006. Some might say that is a little too fast, but we knew God was calling us to a lifetime of service to Him and that included marriage.

On that hot August day, we didn't just put on the most expensive outfits we'd ever wear, take hours of pictures, and kiss in front of a few hundred people, but more importantly, we each recited from memory vows we had specially written with the other one in mind. Each of us talked about it being a lifetime commitment, through thick and thin, rich and poor. Yes, we were about to embark on a dream honeymoon to the Dominican Republic, but we knew that would come to an end and real life would begin. We just didn't realize how tough "real life" is! Our first six months, we fought, screamed, and I even told him I hated him on our first Christmas together. It was in that six months of "orienting ourselves to marriage" (that's the kindest way we can describe it) that we really started to grasp what the commitment of marriage was all about (although we still have a lot of learning to do!).

Over the last three, almost four years, we have experienced so much together; miscarrying our first baby, moving to another state for seminary where we knew not even a single person, bringing a baby into this world, taking a job at an awesome church, going through Pastor Fred's death, and our second baby is currently turning somersaults in my belly! Has it all been fun? No. Has it all been miserable? Absolutely not. But we have certainly enjoyed walking hand in hand through life, never having to face trials alone and always having a best friend to share God's blessing with.

I'm so glad God invented marriage! He knew exactly what He was talking about when He declared that it was not good for a dude to be alone. There are things about Tim that drive me bonkers (he always leaves one bite on his plate when he puts it by the sink...why?) but there are more things about him that I adore, respect, and admire (there's nothing sexier than seeing him preach the Word of God!). He has recently taken on heavy snoring at night, but he never remembers me kicking him to get him to stop (don't tell him I do it). I know that it makes him want to scream when I leave a mountain of dishes in the kitchen after cooking and that I never rinse the dishes before loading the dishwasher, but I know even more that he loves that I cook.

Tonight in the car on the way home from Aldi, Tim asked me, "What's one thing I can do to make our marriage more fun for you?" My heart was so blessed than on a day he failed his Greek quiz, got his butt kicked by Tony on his P90 workout, and he's just having a rough go overall right now, he took the time and effort to make sure our marriage is the best that it can be!

Tim recently had a panel discussion at The Gathering (our Sunday night college service) on Godly marriage. A couple from our church that has been married for just shy of 55 years came and spoke. They were so wonderful to listen to! They talked about how some days, they might not like one another, but they always CHOOSE to love one another. Fred and Gerrie emphasized that the commitment to love one another is a choice they have to make every day, regardless of circumstances and feelings. I pray that 50 years from now, Tim and I have a marriage that young people can aspire to achieve. More importantly, I hope every day of the next 50 years (and them some!) my marriage will be a tool God uses to reach this world and that I will choose to honor God and my husband with a selfless love. I know I won't get it right most days, but that's why God doesn't grade us like a math teacher does; rather, He offers forgiveness and grace that far suffice any sin!

I guess in short, I just want to communicate how great married life is. Thank you Lord, for your loving kindness and for the gift of my husband. Thank you, Tim, for 4 incredible years; I promised you we'd make it 87 years, so that only leaves us 83 years to accomplish everything we want to! I love you both!